Parenting with cancer

A cancer diagnosis can impact on every part of family life. If you are a parent, alongside coping with treatment and the uncertainty of cancer, you may be finding yourself worrying about your children and family.

It is important to remember there is no right or perfect way to parent through cancer. Many people worry that they aren’t doing things right or doing enough, but often what children need the most is feeling loved, connected and informed in an age-appropriate way. People may have different opinions on what is or isn’t right or helpful, but remember you likely know your child best.

Common areas parents worry about include:

• How and when to tell their children about their diagnosis
• Upsetting or frightening their children
• Changes in family routines and roles
• Missing important milestones
• Managing treatment side effects while parenting
• Financial pressures and practical difficulties
• What to do if their cancer progresses or returns

 Talking to children about cancer

Many parents feel unsure about what to share with their children, and when to do this. Each child and family is different, but research consistently suggests that children generally cope better when they are given honest, age-appropriate information.

Children are often aware when something is different, even when adults try to protect them from this. Without clear information, they may fill in the gaps themselves, sometimes imagining situations that are more frightening than reality.

Some key tips are:

• Choose a calm time to talk
• Use simple, clear language
• Give information in small amounts
• Be honest when you do not know the answer
• Reassure children that cancer is not their fault
• Encourage questions
• Let them know that feelings of sadness, anger, worry, or confusion are normal
• Dependent on the age of your child you may find you can go into different levels of detail. The Fruitfly Collective have helpful information and resources about how to talk to children at different developmental stages. There are also various books, booklets, websites and videos available for children which you can find on their website.

Looking After Yourself

Many parents feel pressure to remain positive or “strong” for their children. However, it is important to remember to take care of yourself and seek support where needed. You can see our page on Emotional and Psychological Wellbeing for some information about this.

 Parenting Through Treatment

Cancer treatment may affect energy levels, mobility, concentration and emotional wellbeing. It is therefore important to think about how to manage and what may need to change in terms of how you parent during this time. Some ideas include:

• Prioritising important activities
• Planning rest periods
• Allowing others to help with childcare or household tasks
• Simplifying routines where possible
• Focusing on quality time rather than quantity
• If you are co-parenting, make sure you talk to your co-parent/partner about what would be helpful, share responsibilities where possible, and try to make time to talk to and think about things outside of cancer together

 What to do if you notice your child is struggling

If you notice that your child is struggling or there are changes to their behaviour, you can speak to your child’s school, GP or healthcare team to think about additional support that may be available.

Hope Support Services  provides a free, safe online service for people aged 5-25 when a close family member has a serious illness, such as cancer.

If your child is under 25 and they are supporting you in any way, they young carers support may be available. You can see information on the Maggie’s website on this: Young carers | Maggie’s

 When Cancer Is Advanced

If your cancer becomes advanced, you may face additional worries about the future and may be starting to think about how to prepare your children for your possible death. This can of course be a challenging time. If you are struggling with this, please do reach out to your team who can support you in thinking about what support is available to think about this.

Often parents find it helpful to think about what to say to their children, how to create memories together, or what they want to leave behind for their children.

The Ruth Strauss Foundation are an excellent charity who support families (with children under the age of 25) in thinking about incurable cancer.

Resources

Fruitfly Collective  – information and resources about parenting and how to support your children

Resources to help you and your children when you have cancer | Coping with cancer – this includes a list of various books for children of different ages

Further support

It is natural to feel a range of emotions due to living with or beyond cancer, and to worry about or struggle with parenting. If you are struggling and the tips on this page do not help then please do reach out for help.

Peer support:

Peer support can often be helpful, especially when people feel alone in their experience. There are a range of support groups available, for more information please see the Support Groups page.

Psychological therapy:

Psychological therapy can be useful and usually involves meeting with someone one to one or in a group. Therapists may use a variety of techniques to support you including (but not limited to) ideas from cognitive behavioural therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy and compassion focused therapy.

You can ask your cancer team for a referral to the Macmillan Cancer Psychological Support Team (CaPS) at St George’s Hospital if you are a patient under their care and have had treatment within the past 2 years. Alternatively, you can speak to your GP about psychological therapy available, including your local Talking Therapies service. Although the CaPS team cannot see your children, they would be able to think with you about how you communicate and support them during this time.

You can find information about the CaPS team here

You can find your local talking therapies service here

Support from cancer charities:

Maggie’s Centres offer a range of psychological support including support groups, drop-in services, workshops and courses, and one to one psychological therapy:

Macmillan offer a free support line on 0808 808 00 00, or you can email them for support: Emotional, financial and physical help for people with cancer | Macmillan Cancer Support

Community Mental Health Teams:

If you are already receiving support for your mental health, tell your team or therapist about how you are struggling now that cancer treatment has finished. For more information on this you can go to Community Mental Health webpage

GP

You can speak to your GP about your emotional wellbeing or difficulties with parenting after treatment. They may be able to support you in thinking about onward referrals or medication.